Ladies and gentlemen, Kelli from the Jacksonville Jaguars
Here are the top seven games for week six in the NFL. Happy wagering.
7. Oakland @ New Orleans (-7.5):
Wait. Did that really happen? You've got to be shitting me. When I was in high school, the juniors on the track team would always play the senior on the track team in a full-out fast pitch baseball game. Now, I'm not that great at baseball, but like your team, we were down a run and I hit a double, putting the tying run in scoring position. The next THREE batters recorded outs and we lost. That said, I'd be bullshit if I were Reggie Bush, but that was an odd game. How can any team total over 700 yards and lose? It's just the nature of the game sometimes. It's all about the scoreboard at the end of the game.
NEW ORLEANS -7.5
Yeah, and New Orleans blows all the little things. Gramatica is a tool bag and if they had a real kicker they would have at least two more wins now. Oakland has been crappy for a few years now, but they have always seemed to keep games close. I don’t understand how a team can be in so many games and lose just about all of them. They just don’t know how to win. That being said, they tend to keep it close with good defense and a good running game. I wouldn’t be surprised if NO blew it up, but I have to take a points with the fourth quarter lead blowers.
Oakland +7.5
6. Carolina @ Tampa Bay (1):
Carolina isn't a boring team to watch, but the Buccaneers are. The Panthers are a lot like the Patriots of a few years ago. They weren't explosive, but they won games. Lots of them. This Carolina team reminds me of them. Good running backs, efficient quarterback, great coach. The Panthers go into the pirate ship and rob those pussies.
Carolina +1
I agree, Tampa Bay is boring and they don’t do anything really well. They are a good all around team, but I don’t understand what happened last week. Tampa can be tough on any given week, but Carolina is just a bit stronger at everything.
Panthers +1
5. Philadelphia @ San Francisco (+4.5):
So it Philly getting in the top five because they're in the NFC East? I don't think this game is very interesting. San Francisco isn't that good of a football team and I'm pretty sure they never will be. The Eagles are better than the 49ers.
Philly -4.5
See I think that the Niners are actually a decent team. Their defense isn’t horrible, and their offense is pretty explosive. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Niners even win this game, especially with no Westbrook. The Eagles are poorly coached and they always seem to let down. They have the potential to be one of the best teams in the league, but they just don’t get it done. In spite of you, and because they aren’t very good on the road, especially three time zones, I am taking the Dogs. This line seems too low, but I still don’t want to take it, which is why I like the home dog here.
Niners +4.5
4. New England @ San Diego (-6):
I have two things to say: 1.) If you're not coming to the new place, we're no longer friends. 2.) If the Chargers can't beat the Patriots without Tom Brady, they never will.
New England +6
I can’t believe they didn’t beat the patriots two years ago when Reche Caldwell was their best receiver. Both teams look like crap. The Chargers at least have hope because their injuries aren’t as series, yet. All I have to say is they better win here. I think LT should be sitting if he is hurting because Sproles healthy is better then LT hurt, and sitting out usually helps you to recover.
Chargers -6
3. Baltimore @ Indianapolis (-5):
Are you mailing it in at the end of the picks? I'm really not okay with all of this. Indianapolis isn't really that good and it pisses me off. It pisses me off because the "top" teams in the AFC are Jacksonville, Tennessee, San Diego, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, and Denver. The Patriots, with Tom Brady, are better ... WAY better ... than all of them. They're better than Dallas, they're better than New York, and they're better than the rest of the NFL. I'm about half a bottle deep right now and I should be able to finally be pissed about all of this. Remember when Michael Jordan retired, Hakeem Olajuwon won MVP and the Rockets won the NBA title. All the while, everyone was all, "this is kinda bullshit. We all know the best player is playing baseball and if he were here things would be different." Yup, that's how I feel.
(Okay, well here's where I am rational. The NBA was ten times better when Jordan was in the league? Why? Because he was the best and most exciting player? Because he was the most intense competitor? No. It was because with him on the floor, everyone stepped their game up. Brady is the same way. Everyone who played the Patriots last year played their very best ball because they needed to in order to match Brady's combination of talent and determination. That competition is what's lacking the NFL this year. Okay, back to me being irrational.)
The NFL is terrible this year. FUCK. I need a refill.
Baltimore (+5)
Indy looks like crap. Actually I haven’t even watched a game yet, but they aren’t beating anyone. I believe that Joe Flacco will not give away a game like Sage did (by the way, I love this name. People get shit for calling Ben Roethlisburger “Ben”, but Sage is just fun to say. I can spell his last name, but is Sage fun?). Indy can’t stop the run, and that’s pretty much what Baltimore does. Last week was the shot Indy had to show they still could get it done on offense and they didn’t do it. So until further notice, I consider the Colts offense as subpar. Wow, what a difference a year makes.
Baltimore +5
2. Dallas @ Arizona (+5):
This is off topic, but I'm watching American Gangster right now, and I decided I need to befriend a 35-40 year old black man for the following reason: I want a CD of 1970's R&B. We're talking Marvin Gaye, Nina Simone, Sam Cooke, etc. I don't want any of that bullshit iTunes suggestions. I want someone who used to listen to 45's in their parents smokey apartments and give me some CLASSICS. I would really be okay with all of this. On that note: I've been listening to a lot of Lauryn Hill lately. She's unreal. I don't even care if she hates white people.
Dallas (-5)
Dallas doesn’t seem to be all there right now. I don’t know what is wrong with them, but I am nervous for them at Arizona, who is much better at home then on the road. I hate white people too, ok, that’s not true, but I hate this game. I want to take Arizona, but I can’t do it. Dallas has the better team and should win here, but I have a feeling come Sunday I will be telling someone, “Damnit, I thought Arizona was going to win, but I didn’t pick them.”
Dallas -5
1. Jacksonville @ Denver (-3.5):
Good pick for numero uno. I don't have much else to say. I think in the NFL P.B (Post-Brady) we have these games to look forward to. The Jaguars are pretty good. They're not outstanding. Same goes for the Broncos. They're both two of the best teams in the league, I guess. Would it surprise me if either team won the Super Bowl? Probably one more than the other, but who cares. Whatever.
The NFL: Get on fucking board.
Jacksonville +3.5
I have a feeling Denver is going to crash eventually. This should be tough with a couple guys injured on offense and a Jags team that is very physical. We know the Jags won’t have trouble scoring, and the Broncos shouldn’t, but anytime a quality team is getting 3 points or more against Denver, I will take them because Denver can’t stop an offense driving in a close game.
Jags +3.5
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